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Whew, its been awhile!

I take these blog breaks usually when major negative life events transpire. It's as though the inspiration, creativity, and passion leave for a bit. Like what happened the middle and latter part of 2016 when two very close people to me passed away. It is like living in a fog where there doesn't seem to be an end or a light at the end of the tunnel. I live life day by day just trying to get through it…not really thinking about anything and generally feeling numb. trying to piece a new normal back into my life. It's getting there, but very slowly. Sometimes its like everything is fine, then wham! the bandaid is ripped off and a new layer of grief begins, I have come to appreciate (as much as I also hate) these jolts of reality, because they tell me I am still capable of feeling deeply. They are a reminder of love.

In other news, the boys are growing up so fast, and, like most of my other blog posts, I try to cherish each new event and milestone in their lives. I am so proud of the children they are and are growing up to be. Sometimes I just want to slow down time and savor it all…these are the days I will yearn one day to return to.

I tell my story better in pictures, so here are a few of what we've been up to lately. :)

Happiness Is...

My happiness is:

Dancing to Tevin Campbell with my two littles in the living room.

Watching The Pink Panther with my five year old and listening to him laugh hysterically and say, "this is a funny part, Mommy, watch!"

Reading my three year old his current favorite book, 'Brown Bear, Brown Bear."

My family.

Music. So much music.

Breathing in freshly cut grass.

A lavender bubble bath…super hot (of course).

Jogging when I need to clear my mind.

Ash Wednesday and Lent.

Finding out that Pluto was a planet again. This made me very happy. (Conversely, it made me sad when it was knocked off the list of planets. Don't ask me why, I couldn't tell you.)

Being in a bookstore and breathing in the smell of the books.

Getting lost in a book. Reading. Reading. Reading.

Orange and Cinnamon Spice tea.

Crunching acorns outside with my feet because I like the sound it makes.

Biking.

Laughing so hard with friends I can't stop.

Rocking my three year old to sleep.

My five year old snuggling up in bed with us in the middle of the night.

Daydreaming. I do this too often.

Feeling loved so completely.


Just a few of the little things that make me happy. A few of my favorite things.
Oh, and listening to my "Indie happy" playlist. Never lets me down when I need some cheering up.

Have a happy Wednesday night…and rest of your week. :)



P.S.
My favorite cheery songs :)

If A Song Could Get Me You-Marit Larsen
Stuck On You-Meiko
Falling In Love-Us The Duo
Everything At Once-Lenka
I Will Follow You Into The Dark-Death Cab For Cutie
1234-Feist
Baby, Its Fact-Hellogoodbye
Life Is Rosy-Jess Penner
A Little Bit Crazy-Jess Penner
All Smiles-Jess Penner
In The Stars-Jess Penner
Valentine-Kinna Grannis
Heart Skips A Beat-Lenka
The Show-Lenka
Knock Knock-Lenka
Uncover-Lindsey Ray
A Little Love-Meaghan Smith
Le Fantasy-Minnutes
When You Come Back Down-Nickel Creek
Make You Mine-Us The Duo

Letter To My Three Year Old

Dear Elias,

It hardly seems possible that you are three years old today. I look at you and still am picturing in my minds eye, the baby I carried, held, and nursed. I still hear your baby cries, coos, and laugh. Those sounds are now replaced with new ones, "Mommy, I love you", "look at the bayoons!" (balloons), "Mommy, I hold you" (hold me), " Mommy, I walk" (this one you say a lot, since I still like to carry you everywhere. You are very good at reminding me that you like to walk!).

You are now mimicking things that you hear, your speech has progressed by leaps and bounds. One of the most precious sounds to my ears is when you try to sing along to whatever song is playing. Your favorites include "Double Take" by Disney's Austin and Ally, "Shepherd Me, O God" by John Michael Talbot, "Smile" by R5, and "Hushabye Mountain".

You love to dance. I absolutely love watching you dance to music. You can't keep still when you hear a song play; you have to move, and if I am not trying to capture it on camera, I am dancing with you. One of the things you and your brother like to do is have "dance parties". Every Friday night is a dance party.

You have so much energy, you are hardly sitting still at any given moment! But there are times, when you like to snuggle. Saturday mornings when Daddy and Christian are getting donuts, you like to snuggle with me in my bed watching Sprout. I love our Saturday mornings.

Your smile is infectious. It has the power of brightening my day immeasurably. I have always called you my sunshine baby, because it is true. unless you are upset, you always have a smile for everyone.

Although I do not like the fact that time is so fleeting; that you are growing up so fast, I am immensely grateful that God gave you to us, to me, and that I have the amazing privilege of being your mother. I cherish every day I have with you and your brother. Some are trying (you are three, after all!), but even those days, those moments, I would not trade for the world.

Happy birthday, Tadpole! I love you!

Love,
Mommy

Recent Studies

Lately, I have been studying the Old Testament. It has always fascinated and perplexed me at the same time. I usually have to study with a concordance to help better explain different passages of Scripture, or converse with a friend who can interpret better than I can. Some of the passages confuse me…some are unbearably harsh and make me cringe, and some seem quite contradictory. For instance, Isaiah 8:14- 'Then He shall become a sanctuary, but to both the houses of Israel, a stone that causes people to stumble, and a rock that makes them fall.'

My question was why? I did not know Jesus (who is the 'He' Isaiah is referring to in his prophesy) was a stone to make men stumble, and a rock to make them fall. That doesn't make sense. Further study cross referenced New Testament 1st Peter 2:8, 'And He is the stone that makes men stumble, the rock that makes them fall. They stumble because they disobey the word, and to this, they were appointed.' This explains it a bit better and makes sense…Jesus represents a truth that offends people. Isaiah prophesied that when Jesus came, He would present truths that would offend reason, as well as the individual. He called the Pharisees and Sadducees (the Jewish religious authority of the time) self righteous and hypocritical. They were highly offended at anything He had to say, any of His teachings because they did not fit into the mold of what they believed religion should be, which was the strict observance of a set of rules by which to live one's life.

But in the midst of these studies, I go back and read The Song of Solomon. It is refreshingly simple (in a way), poetic, and beautiful. It represents a passionate love between two individuals in every way. I had forgotten that Michael Card had written a song about The Song of Solomon that seems to perfectly sum up the book, which I listened to, and found that it inspired even more questions in me.

'Arise my love, my lovely one come
The winter is past and the rains are gone
The flowers appear, it's the season of song,
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.

Who is it that appears like the dawn?
As fair as the moon, as bright as the sun?
Show me your face, let me hear your voice
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.

Set me like a seal on your heart,
For love is unyielding as the grave.
The flash of it is a jealous fire
No flood can quench for love is as strong as death.

Arise my love and come with me
Before the dawn breaks and the shadows flee.
You ravished my heart with just one glance,
My beautiful one, arise and come with me


Do not arouse or awaken love
Until it so desires.

Arise my love, my lovely one come
The winter is past and the rains are gone
The flowers appear, it's the season of song
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.'



Utterly beautiful. To love, and be loved like that would be an indescribable feeling. Its goes beyond passion (although that is a central theme in this book and something relevant to this type of love) and transcends into a state of being. 'Love is unyielding as the grave…for love is as strong as death'. Loving every part of someone, the physical, the emotional…the bad, the good. Everything about them. Everything that makes them who they are, the very core of that person.

In order to better understand The song of Solomon, I turned to the classic 1st Corinthians 13 passage that reads,

'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.'

Love never fails.
Some interesting studying. I look forward to discovering more truths, no matter how difficult they may be to understand.

Two Year Tadpole

January 28 was Elias' second birthday. I can't believe he is already two! Seems just like yesterday that he was a newborn. Our lives are blessed immeasurably because of him. He brings so much sunshine and joy to us. I call him my sunshine baby because he always has a smile.

He has made great strides in his mobility. Earlier last year I was nearly sick with worry about his muscle tone (as chronicled here) and the fact that he was not walking, much less pulling himself up to a standing position at nearly 14 months. I had so much guilt thinking that somehow this was my fault…maybe i should have been doing something that I wasn't doing, or something happened at birth, etc, as though I as a mom need any more Mommy guilt!

We had ECI come out a few times and work with him before we moved. But in the end, I had to completely put my trust in God and remember that all things work together for good. I remember the day he stood up by himself, completely independent of anything. I was folding laundry in my grandmother's guesthouse where we were living at he time pending our final move. Elias was playing beside me, crawling around, when suddenly, from the corner of my eye I saw him start to stand on his wobbly legs. Once he was at a standing position, I let out a scream like he had just won the world series. It turned out he was motivated by my yell of encouragement and proceeded to stand again and again. He finally took his first steps at the end of July last year when he was close to 18 months. I guess he just needed a little extra time. Nowadays, he is such a busy tadpole! He climbing, running, and doing somersaults all over the place and I couldn't be happier with his progress. :)

Here are some pictures from Elias' birthday party. As always i went a little overboard in the decorations and planning, but had so much fun in the process. I found this cute play center for the kids and thought it was perfect for a 2 year old's birthday party. The theme was Cookies and Milk since Elias is obsessed with cookies…but then again, what two year old isn't? :)

Tears of the World

When I was about 10 or 11 years old, I discovered a specific musical artist whose lyrics I found intriguing and thought provoking. My dad had all of Christian singer/songwriter Michael Card's albums up to that particular year (1993 or '94), but like most children, I did not pay attention to the lyrics of music unless it was something I found catchy or was popular with my age group. My dad had his album 'The Life' playing on our stereo when a particular song for whatever reason struck a chord (no pun intended) in me and made me listen to the words. It was the song 'Come to the Table', about the Last Supper.

'Come to the table, and taste of the glory, savor the sorrow. He's dying tomorrow. The Hand that is breaking the bread, soon will be broken...' The song is upbeat, but the words are sobering. I remember stopping whatever I was doing and sitting on the couch to hear, really hear, the rest of the song. The song after that one chronicled Jesus' time in the Garden of Gethsemane. Never before had I wanted to pick up my Bible willingly, look up these passages of Scripture and read them and try to understand. Thus my thirst for knowledge began. If I recall correctly, that day I listened to all of that album plus many more all while thumbing through my Bible.

Recently I discovered a song on Michael Card's album 'The Hidden Face of God' called Tears of the World that moved me to tears myself as I listened. The other day I played it over and over again to where now my 4 year old knows many of the words! This song is one of my new favorites as it very much describes my feelings and prayers about the recent news and everything happening in the world.


Tears of the World

In any split second of a moment of time,
In the blink that is one single day,
The sum of the sorrow that wraps round the world
Would catch every soul up and sweep them away.

As vast as the ocean, as deep as the sea,
Swept up in one toxic tide.
By warm salty waves the world weeps its woe
So how can it be that my own tears are dry?

So open my eyes and open my heart
And grant me the gift of Your grieving
And awaken in me the compassion to weep
Just one of the tears of the world.

When God walked among us in the fullness of time
He wept tears as old as the world
Acquainted with sorrow, He took up the cup
And drank every drop of the poison that heals.

And so comes the call of this sorrowful Man
To set our small sadness aside
To come now and follow no matter the cost
To follow Him boldly and wade in the tide.

So open my eyes and open my heart
And grant me the gift of Your grieving.
And awaken in me the compassion to weep
Just one of the tears of the world.

-Michael Card

Family

Have I mentioned how incredibly grateful I am to have the family I have? If not, there it is. I love my husband and two boys more and more everyday. :)

Recently we got pictures taken. They were more for Christian's 4th birthday, but as anyone who knows me can attest to, I had to sneak in some family shots as well. Amanda has taken pictures of our family since before Christian was born and she always seems to capture our personalities perfectly and know which locations suit us the best. For this session we went to a charming historical house in Fort Worth.

Here are a few of my favorites from the shoot.

I adore this sweet picture of father and son.