bright night

Last night there were several tornado warnings in the area where we live. Around 7:30pm, Mark and I went outside to move my car into the garage (yes, we have a messy garage and had to clear it out first!) The sky grew nearly pitch black, then all of the sudden, lit up as bright as day.

The wind was intense, then it started hailing golf ball sized hail. Everything was scary for a while last night with the tornado warnings and sirens going off every five minutes or so. Around 10:30pm, everything settled down. Other neighborhoods, cities, and states were not as fortunate and real damage occurred. This is a constant reminder of how we need to be in constant prayer for others...and take action to donate to the victims of these devastations.

There are several places to donate, such as World Vision
and American Red Cross.

kissy face

Can't resist showing these gorgeous photos that our friend and photographer Amanda took of Christian. The whole time he kept pursing his lips in an adorable kissy-fish face way that kept us laughing the whole time. It was like he refused to crack a smile! So funny. We had such a great time with these pictures.

What I love about her photography is how she always manages to capture the sparkle in Christian's eyes.

Isn't this the most awesome wooden box ever??

Just a few of my favorites from that session. :)

Hebrews 13:5

"Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)

Lately, this particular Scripture has been a source of great comfort to me, as is really, the whole book of Hebrews. A few weeks ago my eyes kept going back to the phrase "I will never leave you nor forsake you..." and I took in the greater meaning of the words. As has been my experience, many people I loved have "left". Either died or literally and figuratively left.


Time and time again it seems as though God rips out my heart, when in fact, He is refining and purifying my heart and my life. Teaching me right from wrong and teaching me that I only need Him to rely upon. But most of all, teaching me that He is always there for me, will always be there for me and will never leave me. He is the One who has never moved. I have.



Michael Card pens Hebrews 13:5 beautifully and I have derived such a sense of comfort from these beautiful words:



"Trust in Me. Keep your life free from what the love of money will do, am I not enough for you?

And when you fear the scars and tears, remember what I have sworn, I'll be with you through the storm.

Never will I leave you, that's something I'll never do. Forever remember that it's true; never will I leave you.

And when you fear, that's when I am near. Your soul's security, Oh when will you believe?"

Favorites

This week has been exhausting. Crazy days at work, studying until my eyes cross for final exams, Mark getting sick, then getting sick myself, ruining my laptop so I had to go and buy a new one (which I am still mad at myself about...it was like throwing money away)...and that is just some of the craziness. I am so relieved that the weekend is here...and all my finals are complete. Maybe I can concentrate on some projects I have wanted to start before the summer session starts for school. In the midst of all the busyness, I was encouraged by my sister Nadia who has inspired me by her blog post about her favorite things. Its nice to step away from the crazy busyness of life and remember the many things that brighten my life :).

Here are a few of my (many) favorite things:

My cute, wonderful husband
The Mr Mr
bubblebaths
vintage clothing and household items
traveling
reading a good book
history
beautiful architecture
praise music
certain scented candles
Scripture
scrapbooking

What are some of your favorite things? :) Have a great weekend!

Mothers Day

Today was the day Christian was dedicated at church, which was such a perfect Mothers Day blessing. This is something that our church does for parents to publicly commit to raise their child in a way that honors the Lord. It is also an opportunity for the church as a community in Christ to commit to holding the parents accountable and supporting the parents in the raising of their children; to come along side of the parents in reinforcing the teachings of God. Baby dedications are so beautiful in those promises.

Family and friends joined us for this celebratory event. The Mr tired easily after his debut :)

After church we celebrated Mother's Day. I am feeling quite spoiled. My gem of a husband made me breakfast this morning and had my favorite flowers on the table for me along with a very sweet note :)

We then went over to my parent's house for a Mothers Day cookout where I was able to snap a few pictures of the day.

Can't get enough of this silly little Mister :)

Or his Daddy :)

Hope all the mothers had an extraordinary Mother's Day. :)

Wednesday

We decided to take Christian to the park. It was such a beautiful spring day; the air so fresh and crisp, the sky so take-my-breath-away-blue. The last few days have made a mockery of Spring, with the drop in temperatures and the need to don our sweaters and jackets again, reminding me of November. Today was like a breath of fresh air and we decided to take advantage of it. Christian seemed to love the day as well; he was so full of smiles and giggles :).

Don't you want to just kiss those cheeks?? :)

Delayed reaction

The past has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. Lately I have been very troubled about something that I feel I should have "gotten over" or overcome, by now. I will not share what it is for several reasons, one of which being that I am still not comfortable with sharing the deeply painful events that transpired. There are only a very select few that know some of the events that occurred and at that, not everything.

Something happened a couple of weeks ago to trigger all these emotions, thoughts, and issues that I thought that I had dealt with nearly 5 years ago. Upon deep prayer and comtemplation, I realize that I had never dealt with the situation. I had pushed it aside and never thought it a problem. Because everything was so painful and in some ways traumatic, I forced it out of my mind, and this particular trigger forced it right back in. I was very surprised as I thought I had forgotten everything. All of this disturbs me greatly. I feel like I am placing certain people in a place where they do not deserve to be because of the deep scars that I apparently still have and only recently discovered.

I have never been someone to use a bad past to blame for my present actions, even if my past has everything to do with why I act the way I act. I am not that kind of a person; I, myself am to blame for my actions, not my past, therefore I have been distraught to catch myself reacting in a certain way to this trigger irrationally. When I caught myself doing this, the last thing I wanted to do was blame my irrationality on my past, so I immediately told Mark what was going on. This took so much prayer. Mark knows that I am an intensely private person, so he listened patiently as everything came tumbling out of my mouth like a torrential downpour of rain. When I finished telling him, I was shaking, and crying and immediately got sick. I can't believe that I remembered so much of what I had kept buried for long.

Mark's reaction was predictably indignation and anger (as well as I am sure, shock)-not toward me, but toward the situation(s) that had occurred. I did not tell him for him to feel sorry for me in any way, (which is a huge reason I have not told many people)but to explain the reason behind my irrational reaction to this particular trigger for my memory, which I made completely clear to him.

5 years ago I went to see a counselor weekly. He was such an amazing godsend for me as he was the one person who saw everything unfold and unravel in my life. He saw first hand the affect everything had on me, and my reaction. There were days where I was uncontrollably crying, and other days where I would just sit and stare and not say much of anything. Those days, my counselor would try to get me to look at the issues behind the obvious problems. Those days I felt like I was living one day at a time, trying desperately to make it through to the next and not caring if I did not. Many times I prayed that God would grant me mercy and let me die.

Every night was an eternity. I had nightmares and would often wake up screaming. I would try to stay awake all night to avoid the nightmares, and then fall into a restless sleep all day because I had no motivation to do anything else. At the time people thought I held up remarkably well because I forced myself to act as normal as possible in public. Only my sister whom I lived with at the time saw the internal damage that was happening. I hardly ate, would go driving for hours, (wasting so much money I did not have on gas) and would lay on the couch just staring. I blamed myself constantly. I was broken in so many pieces that I had no idea who I was or what I was doing. I continued in this vicious cycle for such a long time.

I realize now, that I still need prayer. These unwelcome memories have come back because I never properly dealt with them in the first place. They still have a devastating effect on me because I forced them from my mind and refused to dwell on them. It only took one trigger, one event to bring them all back in. Mark and I have talked about me resuming counseling for this delayed reaction. I feel like that would be the best course at this time, because I do not want these feelings, memories, and emotions to keep coming back unbidden, and I DEFINITELY do not want to act out on them and blame poor behavior on anything but myself. I want to make sure I don't take it out on anyone. But, if I choose to do this, it will be intensely difficult and will require much prayer. Just had to write down my crazy thoughts for the night. :)

Brightens my day

Recently my days have been so crazy-over-the-top-rushing around-whirlwind-can't-get-my-mind-straight kind of days. I come home from working full time to play with my little Mr; later in the evening we have our nightly bedtime routine-bath, pj's, book reading, and rocking (I LOVE the way he puts his head down on my chest with his sweet little arms hugging my neck, playing with my hair :)), then he goes down to bed. Mark and I prepare and eat dinner, then I go to work on my MBA classes (usually PILES of homework and projects) before getting ready for bed. Some days are crazier than others, so I am grateful for the little things that help brighten my day such as:

Coming home from having to work late to my husband and the Mr by the window waiting to greet me

Talking on the phone with a fabulous mother-in-law

Checking my grades online to discover that yes, all the work I put into a particularly cumbersome assignment paid off

My husband surprising me by going to Sonic to get my favorite fountain drink

My husband doing a silly dance just to make me laugh :)

A gummy smile

Two silly boys :)

What brightens your day?

Happy Easter

I love Easter. What a glorious celebration of Christ's rising! I am amazed at all He went through for the human race. I watched The Passion of The Christ for the first time since it first came out. I remember seeing it in theaters being horrified and humbled and realizing that this depiction of Christ's death really happened. Watching it again has really solified it in my minds eye. The Passion brings to life the words in Scripture.

Jesus truly suffered for us. The Bible states that Jesus was in an unrecognizable state after he was flogged and beaten. What literally astounds me is that He went through all of this for me. For us. For the human race. How great must His love be for us, that He would submit to being beaten severely, publicly humiliated, laughed at, and be killed to take our sins away. I do not mouth these platitudes without conviction. It sounds cliche, When I remember what Easter is all about, I am so humbled by my shortcomings and grateful that Christ is my Savior.

There was a great Resurrection service at my church today, again, reminded me of how truly blessed I am. There were testimonies from specific people, of how Christ had saved them from addiction and healed them from cancer, how a bad past does not mean you cannot live for the future. One man who spoke really touched my heart. Two years ago he and his wife were expecting their first child. About the middle of her pregnancy, she went to the doctor for some abnormal, debilitating pain. Turns out, she had cancer. They waited a few months, then did an emergency c-section in order to start her on chemotherapy. While the baby was in the hospital for an extended amount of time, she started her chemo with great sucess and was allowed to go home with her baby after a few months. 6 months later, the cancer returned agressively and they learned that it had spread to her spine and to her brain. She went home to be with the Lord sometime last year. Her husband freely admitted that he did not understand why it had happened, and he was still struggling with his faith, but, he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt where his wife was, and the peace that has been granted him comes from God, because Christ has risen for both of them. He was pretty emotional, and even admitted that he could not wait to join her. His faith is tremendous, and I can only imagine what pain he has been through.

What puts the Passion and Resurrection of Christ in perspective is knowing that everything that I go through, He has been through. He has known pain and suffering, both physical and emotional. He has known joy and hunger. He has been tempted to sin, to choose the wrong path, He too has struggled with His humanity. He was fully human, and fully God, a paradox that can be difficult to understand.

Hallelujuah! Christos Anesti!

Some Easter photo favorites:

Cute and precocious niece Lexi

sweet baby Bella

The Mr :)

Sweet moments

Some pictures capturing perfect moments-taken in the past two months.

I snapped this one while Mark was driving all of us to Art in the Square. The Mr. loves to try to look up at us whenever he can...even if it means being particularly uncomfortable! :)

Love love love this one. :)

Snuggling in Mommy and Daddy's bed after a bath :)

A peek into the past...

Mark and I have been married for over a year and a half now. It is crazy to think at one point I did not know this wonderful man. He has completely changed my life. From the first day I met him, he turned my world upside down and shook it up (in a good way :)). I can't imagine my life without him. He challenges me daily in matters of the Lord, and we keep each other accountable for our actions. He still says and does things that make my heart swell with happiness and make me feel like the luckiest, most blessed girl on the planet. On Friday, he looked at me and told me that I was the best wife a man could ever have and that I was his best friend. That is sweet enough, but what made it that much sweeter, was that we were having an argument over something I can't remember now. I knew he was frustrated, and for him to say those things to me while he was frustrated made me fall in love with him even more.

Mark and I met in October of 2007. The night I met him, I had previously had a date with a guy I had an enormous crush on. This guy called me the day before to reschedule for personal reasons. A friend of mine, by chance called me the next day and asked me to meet her for a drink to talk and catch up withour lives due to the fact that we hadn't seen each other in a couple of months. I now had the night free so I agreed to meet her. After we were at the restaurant for about an hour, she got a call from the guy she was dating who wanted to meet up with us. When he came, be brought Mark with him.

Mark came right over to me and sat down and immediately asked my name. He had not even been there for two minutes. I was very surprised, especially when, through the course of the night he managed to ask me my views on religion, politics, and my last relationship. Later when talking to my friend, I mentioned that I thought he might be a little weird. :) I remember her laughing and telling me that he seemed like a nice person, however, I was very cautious with guys. I had been in several horrible relationships and did not feel like going out of my way to approach anyone. I had also told myself that it was going to be a long time before I got into a relationship with anyone else.

The next day, Mark and I, and my friend and her date went to dinner together and to see a movie. I had to drive Mark back to his house because his car was in the shop. In those two days, whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was very much in love...or infatuation. :) I kept my date with the guy who had to reschedule, but I told him that I did not want to be involved romantically. I had met my standard and no one else was good enough. I had not even had a call from Mark, and knew that if I never did, he was my standard.

Mark waited 3 days to call me. What he didn't know at the time was that I practically waited by the phone like a schoolgirl because I liked him so much and wanted him to call me. He called me late that third night and all that day I had resigned to myself that he did not want to see me again. What I didn't know was that the very next day after he met me, he called his mom and told her that he found the girl he wanted to marry. I had no idea until his mom told he (after we were engaged), and Mark reaffirmed it. He told me he just knew that I was the girl God had chosen for him after knowing me one day. It took a little longer for me.

I knew that I really liked this guy, however I never let the thought of marriage cross my mind until much later. I wanted to be absolutely certain that he was the man God had chosen for me to marry. I did not introduce him to my family for almost 5 months. I wouldn't let us become "official" until two months after we met. Incidentally, the night Mark asked me officially to be his girlfriend was the night we had gone to the movies with another couple friend and she made the comment to me in private that she knew he was the one for me. I remember almost crying when she told me that. Every other boyfriend or date that I had, she would tell me straight up that they were not the ones for me and that I should not waste my time. In hindsight, it is crazy how much those around you can see what you yourself cannot while you are in the relationship.
I had made some horrible life decisions previously regarding the type of guys I would date and knew that I had made those decisions following my head. God didn't really figure in with my decision making. With Mark, I prayed constantly. We prayed together about our future, we did Bible studies together in my car or at Starbucks and discussed the Scriptures and what our beliefs were. I strongly believe that God needed to be the center of our relationship and marriage for it to be able to thrive, flourish, and grow.

Mark and have been on some roller coaster events during our 3.5 years of being together and I cannot wait to see what the rest of our future holds. Whatever it is, I know that we will emerge stronger as a couple and a family unit in life, and in love.

Teachers

In my life I have had many teachers. Not all of them are the traditional classroom teachers, but teachers of certain aspects in life. These are the people who have made me into what I am today…whether what I am is good or not remains to be seen. :) I am still a work in progress.

My earliest teachers were, and still are my siblings- particularly the two sisters closest to me in age, Triana and Charissa. We did everything together from playing, fighting, daydreaming, crying and even taking each others' punishments. I always knew that they were (and still are) behind me 100%. We have been through a lot together and that has made us stronger as a family unit. They taught me about unconditional love, loyalty, and trust. My siblings and I strengthen each other in ways of the Lord, life and love. My sister Nadia has taught me about a gentle spirit. She is so compassionate and sensitive.

My husband, Mark is a wonderful teacher. He is a living example of what is good and right. His character teaches and inspires me everyday to be a better person and to live fully for the Lord.

Another teacher was a youth pastor I had many years ago. He taught me to see the human and merciful side of God, something I had never really thought about. I went to him for every question or problem I faced. If he thought I was doing something wrong, or the way I was feeling about something wasn't right, he told me straight out and gave me Scripture to study to try to correct whatever it was.


I have also had the kind of teachers who teach what not to do. They taught me that the world was not a fairytale and not everyone desired my success or good. I have been taught how not to love, trust, cry or even speak at times. I have been taught how to fear and be too cautious. I have been taught how to feel rejection and pain. Fortunately the lessons of my earliest teachers have taught me that God is everlasting. His peace passes all understanding and He will always be there for me.



Children are also my teachers; the special ones in my life who teach me to laugh freely, to be amazed at the simple things of life and the frequent words of wisdom that come from their mouths, their childlike faith in the Lord and their carefree nature. Christian teaches me about appreciating the little things in life; to take nothing for granted, life flies by too quickly.

Everyone I come into contact with I can learn from. They are my teachers, good examples or bad. The knowledge of this makes me wonder what kind of an example, or, in essence, teacher I am and what exactly I am teaching others, whether I am a good example, a good teacher, a good friend or sister…just some reflections.

The little things

I have recently come to recognize the beauty of the little things in life. I'm not sure if it has to do with the rate of which life keeps speeding by or the fact that even the smallest of pleasures bring me the greatest joy.

For instance: the joy of helping my little Mr. make a tower of shape blocks

And then watching him knock it down :)

Finding (and buying)the sweetest, softest outfit for the Mr.

The feeling of excitement knowing I got nearly every one of my test questions correct,

The fact that my silly and sweet husband goes promptly to Sonic (after I go into the next room to study) to get me a root beer when I subtly drop a hint for an extreme craving, :)

Finding a cute pair of shoes


My baby's sweet face :)

Aspirations

So...I have a new blog. :) I used to have a Xanga (still do, I just don't post on it anymore) but I like this layout better. When I revisited my Xanga, I found some entries that I had written a couple of years ago.  It is interested to see how far I have come, and how far I still have to go. The first entry  was about a friend of mine who had died suddenly. I wrote it on September 27, 2008:

'So...I am down today. A friend of mine unexpectantly died in a car accident September 6th. I think about her all the time. I have dreams about her. I can't believe she is gone. I miss her uplifting emails and our warm coffee nights.Things will never be the same again. Just last night I would catch myself looking at Mark and wondering if out of the blue he might die soon. My eyes would fill with tears at the very thought...and he is still very much alive! This is a very sobering thought...life is not guaranteed. I have learned never to take anything for granted.  Treat your loved ones with just that...love. If there is something you need to let go of...let it go. Nothing is worth getting that angry over. If you need to make amends with someone, do it. They, or you might not be here tomorrow. Tell the ones you love that you love them. Never part in anger or with an angry retort. Thank God for the life you have. ' I still miss you J. You were a part of my life and my childhood and it is still hard to believe that you are gone.

January 3, 2009:
'So...the holidays are over. I am a bit melancholy because that means I have to return to work on Monday after a two week holiday . I'll miss the atmosphere of the sparkling holidays...the feeling of goodwill toward men. But I am excited to be returning to a "normal" schedule, and planning my August wedding! Yep, that's right! Mark proposed to me on Christmas day in such a wonderful way. I am the most blessed girl on the planet to be able to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't wait to see what new things God has planned for my life in 2009...' My marriage to Mark has been so amazing. We grow daily as a couple in love and in life. We have such a perfect baby. Everyday is an adventure that I am happy to be on with such an upstanding, steadfast man. The wonderful way he proposed...I'll need to write about that sometime. :)

January 27, 2009:
'  I am confused about a couple of things having to do with theology and what I have always been taught. I work with a wonderful woman who brought several things to my mind yesterday. She believes exactly the same way I do (Jesus existed, was sinless, died on the cross for the sin of the world, rose again on the third day, and is coming back again...also that faith in Christ alone gets you into Heaven), but there are little things that I have never thought of, that are giving me pause as to what I have always been taught...what I know to be true. Or what I knew to be true. Western theology per se.
     For instance, are we born with sin already inherantly in us? Or, do we make the choice to sin?. I am inclined to believe the former, rather than the latter, simply because it is something I have always been taught...but, if God gives us a free will, are we predestined to sin even before conception? I am not sure. When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden of Eden, they ate from the Tree of Life; of good and evil. They made the choice to sin against God, to disobey Him. With that, brought sin into the world, but, does it mean it brought sin into the human being? It seems if God wanted to create human beings with a free will and free choice, rather than robotic beings, He would not "make" us with sin inherantly in us, because with that, sin would have to make up our character, and nature. When we are born, we don't have habits...we are, in fact, sinless; we have committed no wrong. Only when we reach that age of understanding right from wrong do we choose to do the right or wrong thing. I firmly believe that no human being can be perfect. It says in Roman 3:10 that no one is righteous, no not one...so I know that no one can be perfectly sinless, but are we necessarily riddled with sin from birth with no choice in the matter? Just some thoughts...and ramblings...' I will have to share my current thoughts on this subject soon.

June 28, 2009
' Lately I have been in a rut. I have so many dreams that I want to be able to fulfill. Recently someone told me to slow down and take one thing at a time...when it comes to my aspirations, the sky's the limit sometimes though.
    For instance, I want to live in Kenya for a while and open an orpanage...or do anything to help really. I would like to raise my children there (for a bit, I don't think I would be able to leave Texas for good! :) ) because I want to instill in them the fact that there are children in the world that don't have it as good as in the US. I don't want them to take anything for granted. In my profession, I see and interact with many children who who are selfish, rich brats. In my opinion, it is nearly always the parents' fault. If I can do anything as a parent (when I become one) it will be to instill a real compassion for ALL members of the human race, no matter what backgrounds they come from, how and where they were raised or where they went to University. We are all created equal.
    I want to expand my knowledge of so many things...literature, philosophy; learning in general. I want to get my Master's Degree. I am supposed to go in the fall, I have already registered for my classes, it just all depends on financial aid. I am excited to go back to school. I don't want to be stagnant...to keep learning, writing papers, researching, taking tests is something I love to do...I know, crazy. :) During my undergraduate, my favorite thing to do was to write the 25 page research paper. I would often have to stop myself from going to 50 pages and condense. When a professor says 25 pages...they mean 25 pages. No more, no less. When I start writing about a subject I am passionate about or something new I am learning about, I am like the energizer bunny. I keep going, and going, and going... :) Writing styles...I would love to write like Rebecca Eckler.
    I would love to be a director of a daycare center. I love children...
    I would love to be employed by my church full time in the future...I love my church...the people, the ministry, the teaching...I am growing so much as a believer in Christ. In that way, I am stagnant no longer. 
   I would absolutely LOVE to work for a newspaper or magazine some day. I want to write a column or an article.
    I want to be the best wife I can be. The past still brings nightmares at times and sometimes I get so scared. The screams, the running and hiding, the cowering, the crying, panicking, loneliness, terror, the threats, the unbearable pain, the unending darkness, the shaking with fear, the waking everyday upset that I was still alive, and the thoughts that I was going insane still haunt me occasionally in my dreams. Counseling and mentoring have helped a lot. To those special people in my life I owe an enormous debt. God is good and He has given me a wonderful gift in Mark.
    There are so many (probably too many) things I wish to accomplish in my life...I guess I would be content with just a few. :)'   Nothing has changed. :)

Anyway, I hope to write more on this blog than I did on the other one. .